Monday, November 26, 2007

back to work

I am slow on Mondays. It's another of the myriad problems with the home office concept. After a delicious two (or four) days without obligation, I sit at my desk chair Monday morning and read advice columns, news, celebrity gossip and all my e-mail. I know I should be working, but I don't want to work. I'm not in that frame of mind.

This morning was better than usual, but still slow and dreamy. We can all blame turkey seditive, though. It was a lovely Thanksgiving--neither my mother nor I were exhausted, although we were both pretty tired by the time the meal was on the table. My house looked wonderful (even though I say so myself), primarily since I had Joseph come by and do all the difficult cleaning. The relatives were happy, and my self-consciousness melted like the vanilla ice cream next to the five pies I made.

Yes, five pies. For eight people. Guess what I've been eating this weekend?

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

sleeplessness

If I didn't drink so much Diet Coke, I'd feel more justified in complaining about insomnia. Actually, since it's an occasional rather than a chronic problem, I still feel justified enough to blog about it. The stress of Thanksgiving is upon me--I have started to realize, in my heart of hearts, that I do need to clean up the yard, wash the floors, make the pies, and return all those books to the library. Because . . . Grandmother is coming. And I am a little intimidated by Grandmother, in a good way. It will be the first time she sees my new house, and I find myself looking at it more and more with a critical eye. The paint is faded! The yard is a mess! I haven't gotten the bookshelves fixed! Yes, just like last week. But this week, I feel apologetic. It doesn't seem to matter that I actually love almost everything about my house. It's still too easy to worry about what I don't have done.

Caffeine is nothing compared to the powers of perfectionism.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

i should buy an alarm clock

Normal people have snooze buttons and clock radios. They wake up to the melodious voices of morning show DJs (shudder.) I wake up to ear flapping.

No, really.

Max the Dog has ears like the song: his ears hang low, they dangle to and fro, I could tie 'em in a knot and I could tie 'em in a bow. Actually, you may judge for yourself.



Every morning, around sunrise, Max stands outside my bedroom door and shakes his head vigorously until I wake up. If mere ear-flapping doesn't suffice, he will start whining. The first whines sound diffident, like a maiden aunt with a touch of the headache. They increase in volume and intensity if I don't get up.

Oddly, Max doesn't usually require anything: he doesn't need a bathroom break or a bowl of kibble. He just decides it's time for me to get up. Maybe he wants me to see the sunrise?

Saturday, November 17, 2007

drug problem

I am sometimes concerned by the narcotic effects of bad novels. Usually, this concern reveals itself when I wake up, red-eyed and muzzy, after a late night of indulgence. Often, the effects haven't quite worn off, and a portion of my brain is still off in an alternate world of ugly ducklings, orphans, lost inheritances, honorable soldiers with tragic pasts--the whole paraphernalia of my preferred fix. I am a compulsive reader.

Last year, I realized I wasn't getting enough sleep because I couldn't go to bed without a novel and couldn't sleep until I finished it. It didn't matter if it was a book I'd already read. I found a temporary fix by fighting through Sir Francis Bacon and Thomas Browne, since fifty pages of 17th century essays usually soothed me to sleep without engendering a desire to continue. Unfortunately, I went on to Milton, and found that he's as soothing as a tack in the foot.

I've backslid. I have 23 library books on my bedroom floor. I checked all of them out since Tuesday and I've read them all. I ran out by seven last evening and found myself buying an e-book online. I really try to keep myself from doing that, especially since I realized I've spent $500 on e-books since September.

None of these have any pretensions to literature. In fact, they're Regency romances that run the gamut from "not embarrassing" to "I can't believe I'm reading this." Still, they can get met into the soothing, controlled world of debutantes and fortune hunters, handsome lords and quasi-feminist heroines. These books describe themselves as set "in Jane Austen's England", but nothing could be further from the truth. Austen is sarcastic and edgy. Her characters are flawed. The glassy world of escape romances is nothing but cardboard scenery and puppets compared to Austen's England.

But I like the puppets, the predictable plots, the improbably separation and eventual union of the protagonists. These books are both safe and engrossing, and I read them to soothe anxiety and drug myself into sleep. I suppose I could just drink a six-pack of beer, but books are a cheaper and more socially acceptable crutch than booze.

I am a "serious" reader, as well. I've done the Grand Tour of the classics. I can spell hermeneutics, even if I can't define it (them?) But real literature seduces the reader, catches and cozens him, then carries him past the safe borders of unreality back to what Faulkner called "the eternal verities." Real literature is challenging, assaultive, life-changing. It's not a substitute for Xanax.

There is a sad tendency in novelists who want to be literary to shoot for disturbing: to bombard their readers with pain, death and Deep Thoughts instead of bringing them into a crafted simalcrum of reality that is animated by its own consistency with human behavior and belief. This has all the disadvantages of real reading without any of the benefits. Tolstoy didn't need to light women on fire, or threaten grotesque explosions in soda-pop factories, to make his worlds work.

But Tolstoy isn't my problem: I dig myself into someone else's quiet world to bury my own fears. I sometimes find myself crippled by anxiety, unable to even start dealing with the piles of laundry, paperwork, chores, broken New Year's resolutions--and then I'll take ten or twelve novels and read until I've hypnotized my eyes away from the piles of work and can completed little tasks, one by one, until the pressure eases. This is better than nips at the whiskey bottle, but it's not healthy. In fact, the level of dysfunction can be traced by the kind of books involved. I use mystery novels for escape fiction under most circumstances, but the more deperate my need to run, the less abrasive the books I need. When Agatha Christie is took close to reality for my mental state, I know I'm in trouble.

I wonder how normal people manage. I'd wonder longer, but I have to go to the library.